Why Artemis shouldn't be left home alone
by Ranowa Hikura
Summary: Complete crack fic, oneshot, total OOC... Foaly has hair problems, Holly and Butler have discovered a new workout, and Artemis is, um... well... yeah, enjoy!


Good lord, I just read this from start to finish... what have I done?

Anyway, I had many better things to be doing (like working on Endings and Beginnings for you guys...), but, after a discussion with one of my best friends in real life, J. L., this happened instead. Written in a grand total of two-ish hours, with many of the jokes shamelessly stolen without permission (okay, with permission) from her, you have my friend's brilliance mixed in with my pathetic attempt at comedy. You see, people, this is why there are almost no happy fun times in Endings and Beginnings... things like THIS would happen...

"Butler?"

"Yes, Artemis?"

"Bring me tea. I have evil finagling to do."

Butler sighed, shaking his head despondently. Artemis had developed a sudden addiction to tea, and it was getting quite worrisome. If it didn't stop soon, they were going to have to have him committed to Argon's clinic again. At least, this time, though, it would be over something serious. Not like last time, when he was panicking over numbers or something. _I mean, what was that, anyway, a plot contrivance? _

"You're going to die from all this caffeine."

"Shut up!" Artemis yelled, waving his hand dramatically into a dozen of the tea mugs in the mountain on his desk. The pile crashed to the ground, most of the cups shattering and creating a mess that Butler groaned at, knowing he would have to clean it up later.

"Just get me some Earl Grey!"

Muttering under his breath, Butler turned to go do Artemis's bidding. Artemis turned back to his computer as he left and sat, thinking. "Hmm… what to do, what to do. Oh, I know. I'll check in with Foaly. Perhaps he's finished working on his time machine for our competition. I know mine's going to be better, though. I'm _so_ going to win." Artemis chuckled triumphantly as he began to access Foaly's webcam with a few daft keystrokes, already fantasizing about his prize of a statue of himself made entirely of truffles.

When he got the visual feed into Foaly's Ops Booth, he wasn't totally surprised to see the centaur slacking off, talking to himself, and not working in any way whatsoever. He was, in fact, stroking his absolutely voluptuous mane and saying, "Mud Men shampoo is fantastic. It's amazing how it just makes my hair shine and smell like strawberries. Caballine loves it, and you don't get this kind of fluffiness out of fairy hair-care products. Oh, no, I try everything underground, but nothing works quite as well as as the gooey liquid found on the surface. It's just a shame that I have to go so far to get more whenever I run out…"

Foaly trailed off sadly into silence, then suddenly jumped for joy and clapped his hands together. "Of course! I can just patent it as a new invention! I've been stealing credit for Opal's inventions for years; it's about time I stole from somebody else for a change. Now, I just need to make some of my own- can't go showing this off in a Mud-Man bottle. So, ingredients, ingredients…"

Foaly turned the bottle over and scanned the list of ingredients, muttering them to himself under his breath. "Artificial coloring, orange extracts, coconut oil, horse meat, palm grease, yep, yep, yep… wait… what?!" Foaly leaned closer and read over the list again, then screamed and threw the bottle to the floor. "_Oh my gods! Horse meat! Oh my gods! No!_" Distraught, he crumpled over his keyboard, sobbing his heart out and pounding his fist against the desk. "I've… I've been using my species's … _cousin as shampoo!_"

Artemis, meanwhile, was shaking with barely restrained laughter. "Oh, Foaly, never trust human products. We are such a disgusting race," he said, even as the centaur continued to cry in abject horror.

"Hmm…" Artemis muttered, struck by an idea. "I wonder… how would he react to a bottle of this stuff for Christmas? Ooh, and with _extra_ horse!" Smiling gleefully, Artemis searched for the company and immediately ordered such a product. "This is such a brilliant idea. Not to mention that I just got some of my Christmas shopping done. That's good. I never know what to get anyone…"

Meanwhile, Butler was coming back Artemis's study with a tray of tea and still grumbling about Artemis's gruff order to him some ten minutes earlier. "'Do this, Butler! Do that, Butler!' He should respect his elders, that's what he should do. I'm four times his age and he goes around, talking like he owns me and I have to do everything he says…" Butler's disgruntled mutterings came to an abrupt halt when he felt his cell phone buzz in his pocket. He set the tea down and pulled it out, only to accidentally activate Siri in the process.

"Yes, Master Artemis?"

"No, shut up! He'll hear you! I only asked you to call me that when he's not around!" Butler muttered furiously under his breath, trying to turn the annoying little talking voice off.

"Yes, Master Artemis? Should I speak louder? Can you not hear me? Oh, Master Arteeeeemi-"

Butler finally succeeding in shutting Siri up and sighed in relief before checking the read the new text message.

_Where ARE you?! I've been waiting for you for half an hour! Aren't you coming? This is the only way to stay in shape nowadays! Hurry up, or I'm leaving!_

"Oh my god!" Butler frantically grabbed the tea and burst into Artemis's study, setting it down on the desk and saying quickly, "Artemis, I have to go, I'm late for a… um… meeting with a friend. Promise not to touch anything while I'm gone, like you did last time?"

Artemis pouted, his eyes wide and innocent looking, as he nodded. "Of course, old friend. I'd never touch anything in your absence. In fact, when you leave, I am so despondent and filled with sadness that I-"

"Yeah, whatever; I really do have to go!"

Artemis watched, smirking, as Butler sped out of the study as quickly as he had come, then pulled his hand out from under the table to reveal his crossed fingers. "Never ask a Fowl to make a promise, Butler! Because I… I cheat!" Artemis cackled evilly as he got to his feet and left his study, then turned around in circles to admire the mansion.

"All to myself, for the rest of the day! Oh, what oh what is a boy genius to do?" Artemis smiled happily and thought for several moments before, suddenly, the most brilliant plan of the best way to spend his free time that day hit him.

"The liquor cabinet!"

* * *

Butler ran as fast as he could to the little angry woman who had already started her workout without him. "Took- you- long- enough!" she yelled, throwing a punch between each of her words. "Where- were- you?!"

"I'm so sorry, I forgot- Artemis keeps asking me for tea, and besides, you know that I shouldn't leave him alone there, not after he got drunk last time-"

"I- don't- care- about- that! Just- start- working- out!"

Nodding, Butler turned to the palm tree and began to punch it repeatably, following Holly's rhythm. "Are you sure this is a good workout?" he asked doubtfully, as he had every time they had met up for one of these sessions."This doesn't seem very orthodox…"

"I told you! _Everybody_ in Haven signed up to beat up palm trees! It's the newest fad! And don't you want to get even buffer? Hey… you'll be Buffler!"

"But-"

Holly slapped him over the head with a coconut before continuing her workout. "No buts. Well, except Arty's."

Resigned to being renamed Buffler sometime in the near future, Butler continued to beat up the palm tree, trying not to fantasize about the lovely image Holly's words had conjured up.

* * *

Artemis stumbled around the foyer, a bottle of vodka in his hand, half-empty, his slacks abandoned somewhere on the stairs. "This is fantaaaaaastic!" he yelled to the empty mansion, turning around in a sloppy circle, some of the vodka spilling out on to the expensive hardwood floor. "Wh- wh- why didn't Butl… Butler want me to drink? T-this is fun!"

Artemis frowned, then, scratching his head and looking around in confusion. "Butler… what… what kind of a name is… is that? A butler… buttles? I-is that what a butler does? He… buttles?" Artemis giggled, then looked down at himself and gasped. "Oh my god! Someone stole my pants!"

He turned around in a frantic circle, searching for either his pants or the their, but neither were anywhere to be seen. Then, horrified, he looked down at himself again. "Oh, no! I can't let anyone see me in these red designer boxers!"

Terrified of someone walking in on him, Artemis stripped off his boxers and threw them behind him, where they landed somewhere near his pants.

Meanwhile, deep underground, Foaly was watching drunk Artemis stumble around the mansion, tears still streaming down his cheek from the shampoo incident, even as he tossed some popcorn into his mouth and turned up the volume. "It should be illegal to be this stupid. Even if you're a genius... well, I suppose I should record this for Holly to watch later. This is great stuff for blackmail material."

Artemis drank another sip of vodka before turning to examine himself critically in a mirror. "Man, I'm a stud!" he slurred, spinning around in another circle before he slipped and collapsed on his back.

Outside the mansion, unbeknownst to Foaly or the drunk boy struggling to his feet, Angeline and Artemis I were kissing, Artemis holding Angeline up against the door.

"Come on, you comely vixen," Artemis breathed in her ear, leaning into her and pressing his lips to hers again. "I want you , and I want you now. Let's do it, right here on the front step."

"Oh, my sexy, one-legged husband, I want you now, too. But… something's missing…" Angeline trailed off uncertainly, then snapped her fingers. "Of course! The eye patch! You know I love role-playing."

Artemis pouted and stomped his real foot while Angeline unlocked the door. "Aw, Angeline, come _on!_ The pirate thing is your fantasy, not mine! I've always wanted to have sex in _public_- can't we just do that for once?"

"For the last time, _no_, Artemis! Now, get back over here. I want to do that thing we did last time- you know, where we manage to kiss all the way from the front door to the bedroom, like what sometimes happens in bad fanfiction."

Artemis pouted again. "But, Angeline, that's so ridiculous and impractical. We have to breathe and look to see where we're going- plus, that means we'd be kissing, and trying to walk up stairs- one of us would have to be going backwards- and then there's the whole problem of opening doors-"

"Shut up! We're doing this, because I want to be your little sexual deviant, and I can't be unless we do kinky things like this!"

"But this isn't kinky! It's not even remotely kinky! The pirate thing, _maybe_, but-"

"Oh, just shut up and get over here." Angeline pulled him back closer to her and forcefully kissed him again, holding him in place with one hand and struggling to open the door with the other.

When they finally got inside, still mauling each other, they were greeted by a scream of, "_My eyes! My virgin eyes!_" Artemis and Angeline jumped apart to see Artemis running away from them, screaming and covering his eyes. He hit the stairs and fell flat on his face, landing in his pants, the vodka falling from his hand and shattering on the floor.

"What in heaven's name…" Angeline trailed off, then looked at her husband as it dawned on her. He nodded.

"_Butler!_"

_Miles away_

Butler hesitated in his assault on the poor, withered palm tree, and looked around curiously. "You hear something?"

Holly just shook her head and kept on punching her tree. "No."

Butler shrugged and just returned to his workout.

DEEP UNDERGROUND, IN A DARK AND SINISTER LAB, ONE SO DARK AND SINISTER IT MUST BE DESCRIBED IN ALL CAPS, AN EVIL LAUGH ECHOED...

"Oh! Oh!" Opal exclaimed, clapping her hands together gleefully. "I know what I'll do! Since all my plans for revenge fail because I'm such a megalomaniac, I'll just send Fowl sheet music instead!"

"Um, Mistress? Why would that-"

"_No! Stop! Don't look directly at me!_" Opal screeched, diving behind her high-backed throne and hiding from the hideous sight of her servant.

"Oh, gods, Mistress, I'm so sorry!" Mervall gasped, immediately averting his eyes. "I forgot that I wasn't supposed to look directly at you-"

"_Not me, my boots!_" she screamed, examining her shiny white boots for any signs suggesting that they had been besmirched by the eyeballs. "Do you have any _idea_ how expensive these are, you dim-witted trollop?! I could buy twenty tons of truffles and still wouldn't match it!"

"Why would you buy such expensive boots- and did you just call me a trollop?"

_"Don't question me!_ And, yes, yes I did."

Mervall frowned, hesitantly taking a step forward, though still shielding his eyes. "Um... why did you call me that?"

Opal hesitantly peeked out from behind her throne, still trembling in fear for her boots. "What do you mean?"

"Well... you usually call me a fool, or stupid, or slow... but a trollops is... well..."

"Yes, Mervall? What is a trollop?"

Mervall shifted uncomfortably and bit his lip, staring up at the ceiling now. "Well, it's a... you see, a trollop is..."

"Yes?"

"_So_, why are you sending Fowl sheet music?"

"Ooh, that!" Opal jumped to her booted feet and hurried across the room for her computer. "Well, you see, this is piano sheet music to "U.N. Owen Was Her?" from the human Japanese game _Touhou_. I'm attaching it to the email, as well as a video of me playing it. I'm challenging him to see if it he can play it better than me."

Mervall frowned, almost looking at her and her boots again he was so confused. "Um... okay?"

Opal sighed despondently. "It's a joyless task, working with fools. No one appreciates my brilliance. My dear Mervall, this song is widely known to be unplayable. A piano virtuoso such as Fowl would have heard of it- but he can't resist a challenge. So he'll try it, and he won't stop until he succeeds... or he dies." Opal cackled again before opening up her email. "Let's see here... attach you, attach you... to _FowlIsAStud at ArtemisFowlLand . com..._'Beat that, Fowl!'... and, send!"

"Mistress, if the song is unplayable, then... how do you have a video of _you_ playing it?"

"_Don't you question my plot holes!_"

* * *

Foaly, Holly, and Butler all watched in concern as Artemis sat in front of his piano, where he had been for the past six hours, struggling to play sheet music that was so complicated most of the staves looked like nothing more than a mass of black. "What's he doing?" Holly whispered to the other two. "It... it doesn't even sound that good."

"I don't know," Butler whispered back, "but I'm getting sick of it. I'm going to say something." Clearing his throat, Butler stepped forward and asked, "Artemis, are you-"

"_Quiet!_" Artemis yelled. "_I've almost discovered the secret to playing Fairie's Aire and Death Waltz!_"

Foaly grimaced. "Artemis, you know full well that is not the name of the song, it is-"

"_Shut up, or I tell them you use horse shampoo!_"

Foaly instantly fell silent while Holly and Butler looked at him in confusion. "Horse shampoo?" Holly asked. "What... shampoo for horses? Why would that be embarrassing? You're practically a horse anyway."

Foaly nodded distractedly and looked away. "Um, yeah... yeah, that's what he meant..."

Suddenly, Artemis snapped his fingers and gasped, "I've got it! I just have to travel back in time so there'll be more than me at once! Then I'll have enough hands to beat Opal!"

"Artemis, this silly contest is no reason to open up the time stream to-"

Suddenly, one Artemis walked into the room, then another, and then another. Holly, Foaly, and Butler jumped back in alarm while the original Artemis waved them over excitably. "What the- hey, they can't just-" Foaly sputtered, to be interrupted by Artemis.

"They are here, because it has been done in the future. I will repeat whatever a future me has done so as to ensure that this set of events carries itself out again."

"Oh, you know, that is such a douche time traveler thing to say..."

The four Artemis-s set out about playing the song, and it still sounded like nothing more than a couple of monkeys fighting it out on the keyboard. "Artemis, this is awful!" Butler yelled over the racket. "Can't you all just stop it?!"

"No! We have to beat Opal!" they yelled in unison. The four Artemis-s continued playing the piano so fast their eight hands were nothing more than a collective blur. The pure epicness of such a feat had never been seen before, and Artemis's piano couldn't handle it for long before it burst into flames.

The three time-traveler Artemis-s almost immediately succumbed to the smoke and flames while the original screamed and collapsed within the inferno. "_Artemis! No!_" Butler bellowed, throwing himself into the fire to rescue his charge. "_Stop! I won't let you die!_"

When he pulled the boy out, coughing and gasping, Artemis managed to say, "No, Butler, the song, I must finish-"

"Shh," Butler murmured, placing his finger gently over his lips. "Stop. I won't let you. I... I care about you too much to watch you do this to yourself anymore."

"But... work is all I have.. if I am not the best at work, what am I the best at?"

"Love," Butler said simply. "You are the best at love."

And they kissed.


End file.
